I keep thinking back to that conversation when Jesus forgave me and told me to care for the other disciples. When you look back, what you remember about your most sacred moments is curious. I remember the sting of the salt on my face as I wiped my eyes dry. I remember that sense of peace that came with knowing everything was settled, and that surge of tiredness as I finally allowed myself to let go of all that guilt. After working through the night, I was ready to sleep for a week and struggling to concentrate. I remember how I absorbed the fact that Jesus was going to build me up again, and there would be no let-up in the responsibility that had given me. After that, my immediate thoughts, what with Jesus saying ‘Tend my lambs’ and ‘Feed my sheep’, were of how Jesus expected me to lead, following his example as the Good Shepherd.
I have not been able to take in the rest of what Jesus said until now. I do remember Him pointing out that whilst I am in control of my own destiny today, in the future that would change. He said that there would be a time when I would have to stretch out my hands, and that someone else would lead me to where I would not want to go. I am not quite sure what he meant. Until now, the resurrection has dominated all our thinking. We have been overpowered by life. But now, as I remember Jesus’ words I shudder at the memory of what Jesus battered body looked like, and the sores on his wrists that came from where the guards had bound him. Does Jesus mean that one day, I will face opposition and death just as He did? If so, it does not bear thinking about.
If you had asked me a week ago, I would have said the resurrection is the only thing that defines us. People remember the Essenes because they commit to a life of poverty. The Pharisees are remembered for their commitment to the law. The Sadducees are remembered for their commitment to the Temple. Meanwhile, we are becoming known as the people who follow Jesus and believe in the resurrection. This has been God’s way of telling us that Jesus is indeed, His Son. The resurrection has coloured everything and is forcing us to think about Jesus’ teaching in a different light. So yes, a week ago, still basking in the glory of it all, I would have said that we were the people of the resurrection. Today, however, I am not so sure. You see, the resurrection is only half the story. We cannot celebrate the resurrection without acknowledging that Jesus went through the death. He lived our life, died our death, and bore our griefs. Death and resurrection belong together. At first, this might seem morbid. But this is what has given me comfort as I have questioned what the future holds. If I am killed, I like Jesus will be resurrected. I just pray that my death is not a torture. If I am taken, I pray that I am taken quickly. But I do not fear death. None of us do.
I feel humbled when I think about the difference between how we responded as disciples when Jesus predicted his death, and the people that we now becoming. We still miss Jesus but we know he is present – and besides, reports of how he is revealing himself to others are still reaching us. We know that he will return, but meanwhile, God is moving so powerfully that we do not have time to sit around and contemplate. The resurrection has made our faith in God more secure. We are so different compared to how we first responded when Jesus told us that one day he would leave us. ‘Don’t let your hearts be troubled’, he said. ‘Believe in God; believe also in me.’ The minute he said that we lost all sense of proportion. I remember Jesus saying something about His going to heaven and preparing a place for us, and that we would know the way to the place where he was going. But Jesus words made no sense to us. I remember Thomas becoming exasperated with Him, ‘Lord we do not know where you are going, how can we know the way!’ And then Philip challenged him. He said something like, ‘We’ll believe you when we see this Father in heaven that you keep referring to. Show us the Father!’ Then Jesus berated Philip for his lack of belief. In Jesus mind, Philip had seen enough. How much more did Jesus need to say? How many more miracles did Philip need to see? Meanwhile, I was confused and holding my head in my hands.
I could see where Thomas and Philip were coming from. Up until now, we took much of what Jesus said as figurative. He spoke in parables all the time. It was one of the ways in which he used to avoid conflict. Don’t misunderstand me. Jesus was prepared to confront – but he was always in control of what would happen, and when. Jesus was a master at speaking in parables, saying enough to allow people to find the truth for themselves, but not so much that he would be arrested. So, often, after Jesus had spoken, we would discuss amongst ourselves whether we thought Jesus meant us to understand Him literally. I remember, on one occasion in the early days, when Jesus declared that he would suffer, be put to death, and then be raised after three days, how I became indignant. I thought he was talking nonsense but he scolded me. ‘Get Behind me Satan’ he said. That put me back in my place.
As we journeyed with Jesus it was easy to accept that he had power over the underworld and all the raging spirits that wreak havoc on us – we had witnessed him calling on God to calm the storm on Galilee. It was easy to accept that God through Jesus could bring healing – we had seen so many healings that we had lost count. It was easy to see that God through Jesus could meet our needs – we had seen him feed five thousand with five loaves and two fish. But we were still unsure, especially when Jesus spoke of his own death, about what he meant. It was not until we saw Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead that we began to grasp that he might be speaking literally. We became aware that the authorities were already plotting to kill Jesus and we fled to Jerusalem. Jesus followed on later. When we witnessed the scenes in Jerusalem this sense of foreboding became even sharper. Things became unbearable. When Mary anointed Jesus feet with burial oil it was as if she was giving up and accepting his fate. And so, when, at the beginning of Passover, Jesus spoke about his dying again, we were in a very different frame of mind. He said, ‘The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Very truly I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.’
We were beside ourselves. Whilst we could accept that Jesus could raise other people from the dead, the fact that he would be put to death seemed an affront to what God was doing. We did not have the capacity to believe that God could raise Him from the dead. All we thought about was how his death would be a failure, and what we had to lose. Who would lead us? What would become of us? We who had given up so much to follow Jesus. His words of reassurance seemed hollow. As far as Thomas saw it, Jesus had no plan. There was no instruction of what we should do when the time came. Philip, ever the practical one, agreed. Philip had faith, but he did not have enough faith to simply trust Jesus’ Word.
I am not sure that anyone accepted Jesus’ assurances, or his promise that those who believed in Him would do even greater things. We were preoccupied with our questions and, if I am honest, thinking only of our own survival. That is why I feel so humbled. Our lack of faith has been exposed. Now we have seen the resurrection; the proof with our own eyes, it is much easier to believe. It is much easier to accept that God has everything in hand than was the case before. But I pray for those who will, in future, hear the promises of God – that they will question less than we did. I pray that they will be able to let go of that desire to be in control or to know more than they need to know, so that they can receive all the blessings that God has for them. At times, our scepticism, or our desire to know God’s plans in detail, undermines what God can do. As for us, we will concern ourselves only with what today brings and strive to live faithfully for God. And if death is indeed around the corner, we will not be distracted because we rest secure in the knowledge that death is not the end.