Alcohol: 1 bottle, over 1 week (on holiday)
Treats: Almost a full bar of white chocolate (someone else started it and I had to finish it)
Weight Loss: Now fitting into my 80’s jackets (not a good look!)
It was mental health day the other week. I was a bit disappointed in myself that I did not say much; that I did not make some kind of grand gesture, what with my having been managing my own mental health since the age of 17. I thought about videoing myself and posting it on the web. I still might do that but I was so busy at the time I never got round to it. I did talk to the congregation at Dogthorpe about it – and I think it resonated. I guess I will have to keep doing what I usually do, which is to quietly affirm people that we all have mental health and that managing a mental health problem is no different than managing any other condition that is on a spectrum. After all, we don’t say, ‘Oh no I have got asthma, I need to put my life on hold!’ Or, ‘Oh no I have diabetes, I can’t work!’ These conditions of varying severity and can be managed. I knew that sometime I would fess-up but I figured that it might be best to give it a year. That way they will have had enough time to see get to see me at work under pressure. At least then they will be less likely to think, ‘Do we need to worry about this bloke?’ or ‘Is he telling us this before he cracks up?’
I forgot to add that the most sane person I ever knew was a manic depressive who at one time also suffered from mild schizophrenia. He met every month during the first year of our marriage and prayed with us both. He had a huge impact. Despite his struggles, Andy (that is not his real name) was the most self-aware and balanced human being I have ever met. I think that managing his own mental health meant that he had a kind of mindfulness that was not present in many other people. He had such an ability to discern what was true and what was a product of his condition. At the same time, he was a deeply spiritual guy who did not shy away from the fact that God can speak to us in profound ways. So he could be depressed and yet know at the same time what God was saying. He was so open and honest. I have heard it said before, ‘Don’t worry about those who have a mental health problem and speak openly about it. Worry about those who think that they are sane but in reality are far from it.’ Wise words.
I tried to get across what my brand of mental health struggle feels like. I suffer from Generalised Anxiety Disorder – with the occasional panic attack thrown in. I have gotten used to managing panic attacks now – no-one would know when one begin to rear its head, but they are such an irritant. For a while I felt a unity with others in the congregation who suffered with hot flushes – but could not say anything! I think it will be something that is always with me. There are periods when it is bad and then there are periods when I have no symptoms at all. I just – well- manage it. Generalised anxiety is more than just worry. The way I explain it to people is to get them to think about that feeling of dread that happens before you say have a near-miss in the car. I then tell them to imagine what it would be like if rather than that fear fading, it does not drop down. Then I ask them to think about it the other way. What if your worries build up to a feeling of dread? Imagine what that might feel like. That is what is meant by ‘anxiety’. The trigger for me was a tendency to overwork – or to be working so hard that I don’t allow time to manage the unexpected so when it comes, I push myself too hard and then my body objects. I am a workaholic who is driven, like a lot of people in the Church, by a feeling of guilt about what cannot be easily left undone.
The apostle Paul speaks of how our faith is like treasure in clay jars. I think that to be a mature Christian is to know both have the love and power of Christ in us, but to also know the limits of the clay-jar. I also think that maturity comes from having experienced God’s faithfulness when you are at the lowest point. I believe that healing can come through talking and sharing honestly about how we feel. I hope that there can be no better place for this than the family of the Church. There are so many people who suffer with mental health issues but don’t feel that they can talk about it. Worry not. Having a mental health problem does not make you or me weak. It makes us human. Bizarrely, it can make us more sane than others who have not experienced such trials.
God bless you all.
Langley